Learning to Write

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I trusted the counselor when she told me I should take Honors English in high school.  I didn’t really understand what it meant, but I followed along.  The teacher was also the adviser for the yearbook and I was the only student in the class who was not on the yearbook staff.  I was definitely an outcast.  I was new to the school, one of those old, Maryland brick buildings named for a dead president.  Our assignment was to write a paper on an American author.  I immediately rebelled by requesting Victor Hugo instead.  We were to read two books and find three other sources.  Our only direction from the teacher was that it was not to be a biography or book report.

She accepted my author choice, but was not happy about it.  I read Les Misérables and Notre-Dame de Paris. I questioned her over and over about the nature of the paper.  It made no sense to me.  I gathered my sources, filled out my index cards and pulled together a rough draft.  She slashed through it with her red-ink revisions, and I started again.  Another draft was slaughtered, but I kept going.  I don’t remember her name, but I will never forget her perfume.  She overwhelmed me daily with the smell of scented toilet paper.

In the end, I wrote her paper.  It was hers.  I used every line she wrote.  None of it was mine.  She gave me a C.  It has been more than twenty years and I have not forgotten.  I still don’t know why it affected me so deeply, but I do think I understand what she wanted, and why she did what she did.  She taught the way she was taught.  She did what countless professors did before her.  I survived the class and eventually made it to college, where I have no memory of any work being challenged in that way.

I have always been frustrated with words and language.  I find it hard to communicate meaning to others, without using standard form and predictable content.  I’ve struggled with my limited vocabulary and redundant language.  I have even wondered if the problem was in having English as my native language.  After writing countless pages of commercial, instructional and academic text and hundreds of thousands of words of online content, I am finally discovering a new way to write, and I feel completely liberated.

It isn’t natural for me, and I am challenging myself with exercises for each story.  That is what is so exciting to me.  My head is full of stories!  Each story could be written a million different ways, and I am in love with discovering how to play with the words. I no longer feel constrained by convention.  I can break the rules, as I’m not delivering a message or instruction.  I have no audience.  I am alone with the story and I can craft it delicately, or leave it rough and untouched.

I crave the word play now, and sometimes will spend all day thinking of the variations on a single sentence.  My biggest challenge is still with my patience.  I will spend days on the first few paragraphs of a story, working and reworking.  Then I push forth the ending, with very few edits, because I have such a strong urge to release my work.  This is my habit, and one I will learn to control.  In the mean time, the fun is in the thoughts I have between the writing, the work I do away from the machine.  At thirty-seven, I am learning to write.

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Baptism

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A chair gouged the stone floor and a man dashed after the fisherman. Someone silenced the music and the barista stood frozen, stirring. A tide of voices floated to the back of the cafe as gossip turned to speculation. The man in dripping waders had gulped a single word and disappeared. Now a woman in running gear rushed after them through the parking lot and down the wooden steps.

The man in the corner glanced up from the notebook in his lap, seeking the source of distraction. He found headphones and drowned cafe chaos in waves of cello and French horn. Meted in three, the piece led him back to the numbers and he scratched paper with precision strokes, ignoring the peripheral human churn. By threes and fives, customers abandoned drinks and schooled outside or to the windows for an elevated view of the spilling drama.

He counted thirteen inside and the crowd outside quickly multiplied. He factored in the shop across the parking lot, with an equally advantageous view. As the number of spectators increased, he knew the victim’s chances of survival statistically decreased. Sirens permeated the shallow membrane and he raised the volume. A three-minute response was average. Assuming the man had obtained the requested rope, the rescue may have begun in time.

He watched as the first emergency vehicle backed into the parking lot at the top of the steps. A wake of hats and umbrellas surged the walls of the two shops, flowing around parked cars. Predictably, phones and cameras emerged. He hummed the waltz. A woman turned from the window and stared at him, as if he were the tragedy. She looked like she might speak. A man pulled her arm and brought his phone to her face. She squinted, trying to make sense of the tiny image, shaking her head in confusion.

He returned to the numbers. There was nothing he could do, anyway. It was too late. He wondered the difference between those who rushed blindly after the fisherman, and those who chose the view. He added a few strokes to the equation, and paused with eyes closed as the music climaxed. They would each take ownership of this, personalize it, hijack it and spread it through friends, family and strangers. By the time the story garnished the local news, hundreds, maybe thousands would call it their own. Behind eyelids, he imagined an ocean of vibrating lips, faces without ears.

He had no compulsion to be counted in this tragedy of infinite proportion. He remained immersed in the music. Occasional glances toward the window revealed an event for which all senses were not required. Spectators turned away as lights flashed again. Perhaps it had been a child. The sea of umbrellas ebbed as the vehicle moved slowly out of the lot. It was over, then. Oblivious now to the thinning school of onlookers, he concentrated on the equation that sustained him. He worked through the late afternoon until the final shift whistle sounded at the mill across the river. His mind surfaced and he rolled out the door and into the waiting van.

Auspice

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She clutched the paper-wrapped package and splashed across the street. Others viewed her life as disorganized, chaotic. But beneath the frayed surface there was rhythm and structure. This meeting was not planned. He left a message while she was at the gym. The coffee shop was across from the printer and she was able to work it into the day without displacing anything important. How well he knew her routine.

She spied him at a table near the window. He knew she would be punctual and had ordered her favorite. She sat and tucked stray wisps back into her ponytail. Thanking him for the drink, she placed her package on the table and flashed that smile that made him hers. He had never before asked to meet her in the middle of the day. She opened the package from the printer and pulled out the new brochure, passing it to him. “Nice work! Didn’t realize you were such a geek.”

“Nerd. And I had help. I just hope it’s enough to bring in more donors.” She was proud of her work at the research foundation, and he was happy she had a cause to engage her while the kids were in school. She started telling him about her day. They were both so busy lately with their own projects. She didn’t know how he even found time to meet her. He looked older. Tired.

She told him about the trouble with their daughter’s recital and the latest struggle with the contractor designing their new deck. He nodded. She talked. He had always been the silent one. When they were out socially, she did the talking for him. She was almost embarrassed at his silence. It was not that he wasn’t intelligent. He was a brilliant man, well respected in his field, widely published and a popular speaker. She decided long ago that he just didn’t ‘get’ this social thing. He preferred to connect online. She didn’t think he had any ‘real’ friends.

She talked until she ran out of things to say. He reached across the table for her hand and she gave it a squeeze, before pulling away, straightening the brochures. Her phone buzzed and she glanced at the screen. “Soccer!” She hopped up and gave him a peck on the cheek. He stood, lips parted with intention. She was gone, breezing across the wet street, lights flashing as she unlocked the car. He followed. The car pulled away as he pulled the cold handle on the heavy pub door.

Pareidolia

Coasters

The report was due in three hours. It was the same each time. For six years he had neglected it until the final hours, possibly with hope he would be gone before it was due again. He crammed his gear into a bag and left the office, driving in search of an anonymous coffee shop with a view of the future. Wandering consumed another hour and he exited the highway into Smalltown Anyplace, resigned to get it over with, or just copy the report from last year. It was not like anything had changed. Cruising the main street, he spied a neon wi-fi sign and pulled in.

The café was dim, despite the bank of windows overlooking the river. He ordered something tall and black and absently searched for a table. Getting comfortable was not an option, so he committed to getting caffeinated. He slid the cup aside and littered the table with the trappings of modern convenience.

Reading the report from last year, he confirmed nothing had changed. He considered options while checking email and scrolling through text messages on his phone. He opened a browser, seeking distraction, and noticed the waning battery life. Eyes sought a power outlet. The only one visible was on the far side of the room, near the fireplace and a seat that was already taken. There were no other chairs within range.

He strayed from the distractions and stared at the document again, performing a global search and replace on some of his frequently used adjectives. Maybe they wouldn’t notice it was the same file he submitted last year. He looked toward the seat by the fireplace. The girl in the chair was reading a book, not even using the outlet. His phone vibrated. The ex. More money. Ignore. Back to email. A customer needed a quote by the end of the day. There were a few messages from the dating service he had unsuccessfully enrolled in last year, yet was too ashamed to cancel.

He saw the battery indicator again and looked toward the outlet. She was still there, fingers twirling curls, sandal dangling from bouncing toes. He returned to the annual review. He tried to think of a significant project that defined his year. Nothing. Justifying his existence to his employer always made him question his existence on this planet. He looked away from the screen and gulped cooling coffee. Her mouth tilted as if she had just discovered a secret. Sandals dropped on the stone floor and bare legs tucked under her draping skirt.

The report was due in less than an hour. He estimated twenty minutes of battery life. He cut out a paragraph and pasted it higher in the report. Pleased with the result, he did the same with a few more. Sunlight reflecting off the river crawled across the café. The young woman pulled her hair away from her face and light danced through curls and across her exposed neck. Lashes fluttered. She lifted the book and opened her eyes.

His phone buzzed. A client. Ignore. He rubbed at his temples and took another mouthful of his cold coffee. He hadn’t seen her take a single sip of hers. Why was she in a coffee shop, not drinking coffee and sitting in the only seat near a power outlet? He glared at the document and changed the dates and the name of his supervisor, the only two things that were different each year. He sent email replies as his battery indicator dipped into the red zone. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried the breathing exercises he had learned in group therapy.

When he opened them, he was surprised to see the woman walking directly toward him. She brushed by, skirts swirling around tattooed ankles. Honey. He expected she would smell more like citrus. Her eyes were light, and she was not as young as she had seemed, curled up in the armchair. He seized the opportunity.

Sweeping gear back into the bag, he leaped up and dashed for the chair near the outlet. He rifled for the power cord, plugging in the computer and spreading chaos on the coffee table. Her mug was still there, seemingly untouched, but with a clear outline of pink lipstick along the rim. Tea. He was wrong again. He opened the laptop and stared at the screen. The sun shone on the monitor, his work obscured. He sighed and flopped back in the chair, rubbing his neck. Eyes searched the room again, and he noticed another outlet on the wall, directly under the table he had just vacated.

Betrothed

Up and Out

Metal scraped stone, sweeping back rays of autumn afternoon. Customers posed on chairs and couches, faces bathed in blue light and restrained emotion. He shuffled forward in the line, squinting at the neon hieroglyphics on the menu board. The young woman in front of him recited her order, and though he recognized the words, they held no meaning. He was about to order his first cup of coffee.

He reached the counter and pocketed the key, fingering the impression on his palm as he asked simply for a medium. He pulled virgin plastic from his back pocket and traded the barista for a steaming ceramic mug. A mug. He had hoped for a paper cup and a final moment alone by the river. He glanced down at the creeping beams of light.

Another patron was deftly juggling condiments on a counter. He followed and observed the well-rehearsed ritual, making mental notes as he passed the hot mug back and forth between his hands. He copied the dance and watched as the liquid swirled from black through shades of brown, finally settling on the familiar beige of his memories.

He surveyed the shop, suddenly intent on finding the ideal seat for starting a new life. Remains of sunlight stroked a table with high-back wooden chairs and in one corner a booth sat empty next to a cluttered bookshelf. A couple tangled on an overstuffed loveseat. He chose an armchair near the fireplace on the shadowy side of the café and set the drink on a table. The key gouged his thigh as he sat down, and he fished it out and dropped it into a coat pocket.

He admitted to himself that there was no such thing as starting over. There was no scratch, no zero. He was starting from thirty. For fourteen months he had ignored the outside world and denied the existence of possibility. He never intended to disconnect so completely, but once he had, he found it easy to withdraw from everything. In the end, the events that led to his seclusion were repeated, forcing him to resurface.

He was starting from thirty and then some. Each fiber held secrets of generations, pleasure and pain. He leaned into the steam and closed his eyes, willing the newness into every cell. He briefly wondered if this breath would become part of another being, if he would ever have that chance again. His hand dipped into his coat pocket, pushing aside the key and carefully removing the small leather notebook. He opened his eyes, trembling as he turned to the page with the frayed ribbon. His left thumb brushed the smeared blue ink of final words, and his right, the stark white of zero.

Little Pleasures

I am the kind of person who twists tiny things into much bigger, frequently distorted, occasionally inspiring things.  The easiest way to make me happy is to bundle me into the car and drive me to the beach.  If you want to keep the vibe going for a while, put a camera in my hand.  Little pleasures. One of my favorite treats is the patron hold system at my community library.  When a title intrigues me, I  place the book on hold online and wait for the phone call announcing its arrival. I sometimes tease myself, not answering the phone, or waiting for the end of the day to check the messages.

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There are shelves in the front of the library near the self-checkout where the books are held for easy pickup. Next to the hold shelves, is the bookshelf of mystery.  I noticed this shelf years ago, but assumed it was not for me, or there would be some kind of obvious signage directing me to pay closer attention.  At the top of each side of the shelf are signs stating, “Explore.”  What does that mean?  For years I thought it was the travel section.  Then I noticed the shelves held multiple copies of each book, and I thought maybe they were for students in college or high school courses.
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I gradually eased closer to this shelf and started picking up books.  I noticed they were all brand new, and were not of a particular theme.  If you stand close enough, you can see a small sign giving permission to check out these books.  I imagine at some point I could have asked for help, but I think I enjoy prolonging the mystery.  I have borrowed some excellent books from these shelves, though I feared rejection at the self-checkout the first time I attempted to bring one home.  No alarms sounded as I passed through the security gates with my new little treasures.

As I wrote this post, I visited the library site to get a screen shot of my items on hold.  I noticed the library now has an account on Twitter.  I sent a message requesting a book they do not have, and I received a response with a link to their system for requesting new books.  I also noticed within their Twitter feed, a brief explanation of the Explore section.

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I have more books on hand right now than I could possibly read before they are due, so I juggle and often renew. I’m currently reading Buying In, by Rob Walker. I’m enjoying it, but have discovered I still look for educational applications in everything I read. I also have some of the same troubles with his writing as I do with Lessig’s. It is difficult to filter the sarcasm in text. Sometimes I don’t quite get his point. He does provide a lot of valuable information, with each page citing multiple studies and resources. I wish I had more time to follow them.
My goal, in addition to increasing my knowledge of writing, is to eventually be comfortable spending time immersed in fiction. Since I left my job four months ago, I think I have only read one fiction novel. The rest of my reading has been concentrated on non-fiction, technology, innovation, and education books.  I have the desire to move my writing away from provocative and succinct and more toward evocative and elaborate.  I have much to learn.

Anticipation

I walked by the wall calendar yesterday and remembered to flip the page to the next month. The folk-art print with a white clapboard farmhouse drew me in and I paused for a moment to imagine myself in that place. It is the beginning of my favorite season; anticipation. It isn’t quite time to start making plans for spring. Plans make me anxious. There’s nothing written on the calendar for the rest of this year. Anticipation.

I think we’ve finally seen the last of the winter snowstorms and floods. In the past month, there have been a few brilliantly sunny days where we have been able to enjoy the outdoors and leave our coats piled on the hallway floor, where they usually remain until someone gets the urge to clean. We used to have a coat rack in the entry, but I think it disappeared into the garage last year when we had the house on the market. I still dream of a well-loved antique hall tree with a storage bench and little hooks for hanging up our keys.

View From a Kitchen Sink

There was one day last week when we awoke to snow. I still refused to wear my coat, confident the cold would not last. By noon, the snow had melted and our back yard was filled with robins, their tiny heads tilted, listening for worms. There were flickers above in the birch trees, pecking away in search of tiny bug treats and I breathed in the unmistakable scent of thaw. The real signs of spring come from behind the fence in our back yard where there’s a potting bench for the plant nursery that adjoins our property. As soon as the sun comes up, we hear the tap tapping of the gardener’s pots as he prepares the greenhouse plants to place in the slowly warming ground.

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Later in the day we see the bucket of his little bulldozer as he moves the dirt and compost around the property.  Since we first moved here three and a half years ago, I’ve had this fantasy of baking cookies with the window open, the smell wafting over to his potting bench.  I would dust the flour from my hands, arrange the cookies on a pretty plate and hand them over the fence, with a big grin, and maybe a note card with the recipe.  When I left my job, I imagined walking over there and asking him if I could record his story for a podcast.  In reality, I’ve never spoken with him.  I can see over the fence from the kitchen window, but I can’t just walk up and talk because the fence is too high.  I would need a step-ladder and that would certainly clutter up the fantasy. Then I would have to overcome the fact that he works with giant plastic ear protection, and there’s no way he would hear me.  As I continue to rationalize, I wonder if he would be allergic to the ingredients.  I wonder if he resents the fact that there is now a home behind his bench, where only four years ago, there was a pasture.

So I keep to myself.  I wonder if he can see me as I do the dishes, or dance around with my son.  Does he hear me call the dog?  Do the bird feeders attract unwanted critters to his property?  We have birds and squirrels and snakes and opossums.  A few days ago we watched a coyote stalking his land, ears erect, lost in suburbia.  I stay in the comfort of my home.  On busy days, other trucks arrive behind my house.  When the trees are moved around around the property, it seems there is a forest waltzing behind the fence, trading partners and then bowing as the trees are loaded into trucks and carried away.

Last night the sky was clear and I saw the stars.  I walked through the house, turning off each light, and through the window over our front door, Orion’s belt flashed and danced as I moved up the stairs.  It’s the only constellation I can identify.  I was surprised to see it at all.  The lights from the prison on the hill across from us are so strong, I never expect to see the night sky.  I peeked out the upstairs window, just to make sure it hadn’t gone dark in some kind of silent prisoner revolt.  The lights were as bright and strong, but somehow, the stars still stood out for me.  I will relish this anticipation and the potential promise of spring.

One Kind of Dreamer

I’m a dreamer in my waking hours, and a vivid dreamer when I sleep.  I have a series of recurring nightmares, including dreams about forgetting my locker combination or missing the school bus.  My dreams are usually quite detailed, and when I recall them, I remember the thoughts going through my head within the dream.  Last night was one full of dreams, and the last one before I awoke still stands out in my memory, because I described it to my husband this morning.  If I don’t write them down or tell someone, they are forgotten by the end of the day.

Last Night

I was grocery shopping.  I was not in a very good mood, because I was not shopping for myself.   I was shopping for beer for my husband, because it was Superbowl Sunday, and we were out.  I arrived at one checkout line and hung around waiting for a clerk.  The store was practically empty, but there were some employees at the opposite end of the row of check stands.  I walked down there to check out instead.  When I got there, I discovered I had left my keys at the other station, so I walked back and picked them up and returned to the far checkout.  The clerk was running something through the register, but stopped to take care of me.

I had no basket and no merchandise.  She asked what I was purchasing, and I replied, “The beer.”  In my mind, I wondered what was wrong with her.  What else would I be purchasing?  Then I looked down and realized I didn’t have any beer.  I looked all around.  There was an empty Budweiser box on the floor, but I knew it had nothing to do with my predicament.  No one I know drinks that, and the box was empty.  It was simply a coincidence.  I told the clerk I would be right back.

I walked down the aisle searching for a premium brew.  At the end of the aisle, two women were setting up a display of chocolates.  I overheard one of them telling the other she didn’t know why they had made so much, since it was too expensive and no one would buy it.  I saw a sign reading, “Peppermint Bark,” but no price.  I asked, “Well how much is it?”  One of them informed me it was $9.99 a pound.  I told her she was right.  No one would buy it because it was cheaper to make at home.  She asked what I would be interested in buying.  I told her I really liked the chocolate covered chocolates my daughter had bought me a few weeks ago.  “Ah yes,” she said, “the box of eight.”  I wondered how she knew who my daughter was and what she had purchased.

I walked to the chocolate department to see what else they had.  The ladies were working in a Russel Stover shop within the store.  As I was looking through the chocolate, I noticed they were in competition for customers with the workers in the bakery.  The bakery shop workers were handing out samples.  I looked at the beautiful display of chocolate some more.  A customer came by and I was embarrassed.  I explained, “But they’re all so pretty!”  She said, “Yes, and that’s the kind of thing that keeps me in the garage.”  I thought it was a curious comment, so I considered what she meant.  I decided she must have a secret stash in the garage.

I left the chocolate aisle and got my beer and headed back to the check out, where they were still waiting to ring me up.  I noticed an envelope stuffed with paper on the other side of the check stand.  It had the words, “Jennifer M.” on the outside.  The clerk was obviously in the middle of a transaction, but she scanned my beer and printed a receipt, ready to send me on my way.  I explained that I had not paid.  A male store employee, with obvious mental disability, came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me.  I had a feeling he was supposed to be running the register, but something had distracted him.  I was trying to politely untangle myself, and the female clerk was telling him, “It’s time for love love,” or something similar.  I knew it was some kind of code for him to return to his work.

He did let go and I again explained I had not paid.  I wondered to myself if the employees were worried I would sue the store because of the groping incident.  I wondered what kind of person sues over things like that.  I felt bad for the groper.  The female clerk told me I didn’t owe anything, she actually owed me $14. I explained that maybe she had rung up my items in the middle of the other transaction and that explained the discrepancy.  She asked if my name was Jennifer, and I nodded.  She said it must be my transaction.  I held up the envelope and my card and explained that I am Jennifer D., and the envelope said Jennifer M..  She finally realized what I was trying to explain and she settled the transaction.

As I walked away from the register, I realized I had forgotten to purchase chips.  I saw them at the endcap just on the other side of the register.  I was angry.  I wondered if we really needed chips.  I didn’t want to go through all the hassle again.  I wondered why we put up with stupid traditions like chips and beer for the Superbowl.  I thought through all the food in my house, and wondered if I could get away with suggesting we start a new tradition.  I left with only the beer.

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Making Myself at Home in The Middlespace

I intented to write a courageous post about how I came to be here, in this Middlespace.  However, I discovered this morning, that Barbara Ganley had written it for me.  When I read her Betwixt post, I had to smile because her sentiments mirror mine, and I know the two of us are not alone.  After two years of total immersion in social media and educational technology, I have spent the last four months on the outside, observing and searching for answers.  I have come close, but still am not satisfied.  I’ve watched colleagues post transformative ideas, theories and models on their blogs, in anticipation of collaboration and engaging conversation.  More often than not, the comments stray from the original inquiry, exposing commenter agendas and stilting conversations that really need to happen.

Maybe blogging isn’t the way to have these conversations.  I don’t know.  I do know that I am ready for a space that is not about educational technology, or technology in education, or technology or education.  I am ready for a space where I can share my thoughts, without considering whether or not anyone will find them of value or will learn from them.  I’m ready to make myself at home.

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